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The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.You know how to eat an artichoke.When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud and Drought.ORYou can retire to New York City where...You say “the city” and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.You think Central Park is “nature.”You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.You’ve worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car.)You think eye contact is an act of aggressionORYou can retire to Minnesota where...You only have three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.You have seventeen recipes for casserole.Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.The four seasons are: almost. ”“Hey, so your middle name is Fredrick then John?” I asked.“No, I don’t have a middle name, what’s yours?”“I don’t have one either but after today I should be called Jade Exhibitionist Peterson, that is what you are turning me in to isn’t it John?”“Jade Exhibitionist Nymphomaniac Peterson might be more appropriate Jade.”“Well you’re certainly turning me into one of those as well, and I like it. So what else were you up to in your office?”“Well apart from some work I’ve ordered a few things for you.”“Some clothes I hope.”“No, a few toys and a couple of machines to help you keep that hot body of yours in shape and a few other things for you..”“Toys!?”“Dildos, vibrators, butt plugs, that sort of thing, and some things for the games room.”“Oh, I’ve never had any of those toys, just a hairbrush handle. Talking of which I need a hairbrush and some make-up.”“I’ll tell you when I’m doing a supermarket order but don’t think that you’re going to plaster make-up all over your face, you don’t.
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