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My mind is open. I'm here in this beautiful woman's arms asking You to enter my heart and mind if You want me to become a believer. According to the Christians, You could save me if You wanted to, and yet I'm not feeling it. My guess is there is no You. It's all a crock of shit. Now help Beth tolerate my use of profanity. Remind her that You know what's in my mind and heart. You know I am open. You know I use words like shit and God damn it and Jesus fucking Christ every now and then. It's no secret." They I lay silent for a minute. "Okay, God. Okay Jesus. You guys don't want me. Maybe You exist for Beth, but You sure as hell don't exist for me. I gave You this opportunity to speak to me and You turned me down. I'll remain open, of course. You can reach me tomorrow or next year. But I can't help but wonder why You didn't make Your move tonight. Beth, you saw that God passed up this opportunity. Maybe You need to reconsider YOUR beliefs. What do you think?" "That's not the way it. Maybe the alcohol, I wondered? Perhaps he’d been drunker than I thought, and unable to perform? He hadn’t seemed that out of it, but... A darker, more worrisome thought came to me. What if I was right in the first place? What if he’s struggling with the miscarriage, and doesn’t want me anymore? I tried to banish the thoughts, but it was difficult when I was so disappointed in myself and could only assume he felt the same.I tried to console myself with how tightly he clung to me, even in his sleep. I was wrapped like a burrito, so my mobility was poor anyway, but Alistair’s arms were heavy around me like he was desperate not to let me go. He held me so tightly I couldn’t even move my own arms to wipe the unwanted tear that trickled down my cheek. That’s got to be a good sign, right?In the end I fell asleep still tightly wrapped and held, cheeks damp, having firmly decided that I was going to assume nothing was amiss – and try harder for my seduction the next day.Alistair was already.
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