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I don't recall if I was frozen or if I gave some sign that I was as excited as I was, but after a short time he slipped off the bed and was sitting behind me on the floor. I had to move forward a little to accommodate him and moving made me feel guilty and complicit and numb with the nervous thrill all through me.I was wearing shorts at the time. The kind with a button and a zip. I don't know why as it was winter. On top I was wearing just a t-shirt. I could feel his body behind me and he wrapped his arms around me and held me the way a Grandpa always holds his grandson, gently and lovingly. But I knew this was different. I was silent and let him hold me. It seemed to last for a long time and I must have been tense because he reached up to my head and lent it against his chest. I didn't resist. I felt powerless to resist and I knew that I didn't want to resist. I was glad to feel powerless as it stopped me feeling guilty (though obviously those thought weren't consciously thought at. I had worked up a bit of a sweat with all my hiking and really needed to bathe, but the river was freezing cold. One of the guys had brought along a bush shower, that’s just a canvas bag that you hang from a tree and fill with water. It has a shower head attached to it but the water doesn’t last long so you have to be quick. The shower was out in the open off to the side of our campsite, so I went into our tent and changed into my swimsuit. It was a tiny little white bikini which I had worn many times at the beach with hundreds of other bathers. Somehow it was different wearing it here, where I was the only one in a swim suit, and nine guys were watching me shower. I discreetly turned away as I lifted my bikini top and washed underneath. I could feel all eyes watching me, as I put my soapy hand inside my bikini bottoms, and washed between my legs. The water was quite cool, but wouldn’t have been too bad if it wasn’t for the wind chill. I got very cold as the wind blew, and my.
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