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I had to find a way to survive and get through it alone. After the first couple of times he forced me to make him ejaculate, I convinced myself that it didn’t happen. I chose to bury it, put it out of my mind, and never say a word.“It was the everyday, constant darkness of being fence in with no place to go that was the most difficult. It was the feeling of living a meaningless life, and knowing your body, mind, and soul were being used and debased by someone who I thought I could trust. It was a feeling of being defenseless, helpless, hopeless.“I pretended like we were an ordinary father-daughter family living in an ordinary quiet neighborhood, keeping busy with work and school, just like everyone else around us. I took up a routine, trying to forget the pain, trying to hold together by thinking about my Mom.“I would often hide in my room and cry until I fell asleep. Whenever I could see the moon from my window, I would pray for my Mom, for someone to come, to rescue me.“I hoped for. ‘Bells, stop. You look miserable.’ I glance up at him. ‘Stop it, don’t do that. I don’t want to see you like this. Let’s talk…’ ‘About what?’ I say. ‘Let’s talk about what? About last night? About me, about you? Your fiancée? Or the party for the two of you that I now have,’ I look at the clock ‘officially twenty-four minutes to get ready for?’ He looks down at the floor. I can see that he’s squeezing his beer. ‘There’s nothing to talk about, Chris,’ I say. ‘Just go. I’ll see you at Matthew’s.’ ‘I don’t want it to be like this, I don’t want you thinking…’ ‘You have no idea what I’m thinking,’ I say. ‘None at all. Everything’s fine, really. I’ll see you in a little while.’ He looks at me, first puzzled, then resigned. He looks as if he’s about to say something, then stops himself. He takes his beer, kisses me on the cheek as he passes, and walks out the door. I breathe. I make it to Matthew’s only twenty minutes late. Considering the wait for the water taxi, I have reason to be proud..
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