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She could imagine him forcing her, regarding his requests to her the way he regarded hers to Roger, commands sheathed in politeness. She knew that physical resistance to the man who lifted her effortlessly would be useless. She could imagine him accepting a denial from her; he had, after all, treated her with remarkable gentleness since the first time. Taking her refusal or taking her refused body were both consistent with the Karl whom she was beginning to know; begging was not.But, even if she could have sorted those complex thoughts into simple words, she was not prepared to share them with Lady Alice. Partly it was a sense of her own privacy. Partly it was consideration for her bedmate.This woman, she had already learned, was two months younger than herself; her servants barely regarded her; her stepson almost ignored her; the child she carried would not be the heir. Telling her that some men loved their wives, and praised them, and led them to heights of pleasure, would only. "I don't know what we would have done if you hadn't taken us in. And I don't know how we could have survived without your care. I feel like we've been nothing but a burden, but you welcomed us in as if we were family." We are family, Johnny."I found myself getting misty eyed right then. I wasn't a crier. I hadn't cried once since I found out Katie was sick, and hadn't cried for years before that. But now the emotions were boiling over me.I had locked away the sheer terror of losing Katie. I was the man of the house, and I'd bottled up my emotions for so long. But now the part of me that was frightened was coming out. I hadn't faced it, only tried to ignore it.But now, I let myself go.And so the night passed with Rachel holding my head in her embrace, saying nothing. No words were needed. I could feel the warmth of her love surrounding me. I don't know if I would have been able to endure those many long months if it weren't for her.Things changed in my life after that night. I was.
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