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There came that giggle again. Looking up at me, April said, "Well, I can't say I wasn't touched."Ah, fuck, I thought. Was she fooling around with boys all that time? Letting them feel her up, maybe more?"Honey, I thought you only did it one time?" Yeah, just that once ... and it wasn't any fun..." Then as if reading my mind, she added, "Mary Ann also told me about other stuff too ... you know like uh, masturbating."At these words, my cock more than stirred, it began to harden. Over the years, I found that I became sexually aroused with little provocation when I was high. Now, with my 15-year-old daughter confessing her sex sins to me while I shared my weed with her, it was no wonder that I was hard."When did you start doing that?" Right after she told me about it." And you were only twelve?" I asked in surprise."Uh huh, yeah." April looked up at me with pouty lips and eyes."You were a little young for that." Yeah, well, if I wasn't hearing you and mom all the time..." You had to be. This is all flowing through me such that I am unsure of my whereabouts or my identity. It’s not getting scary. It’s getting painful that I am thinking this way. My head hurts. I don’t want to go outside anymore. I’m worried that I might not be getting enough sleep- that I am the conduit by which this message is being delivered. I’m just a grain of dust, a sorrowful pitiful grain of dust.When thoughts do not flow but turn into ramblings, then I become angry at myself and at those stimulants around me.All of us are on the same plane, gyrating towards the heavens by a simple process of evolution. I’m the last one to go, I’m afraid. I’m stuck being the last one to evolve. Yet we all go, and I hang on for my dreadful life.At least I’m a bit more stable now than this morning. I’ve been battered by thoughts all day, and will probably be battered through the night. The realm of the imaginary and the realm of reality fight each other. Do they ever coalesce? Am I ill because I think they do.
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