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I want you to return to your life for a few days. I will be more than happy to answer any questions you have as you decide. Do you understand?" She looked at him as he said all this and her eyes grew moist. "I don't want to go, Sir." "I know you don't, Lucy. But this is a decision you must make on your own, in your own space, and in your own time." She listened and took his words to heart. She couldn't conceive of anything she could think of that would change her mind, but she knew he was right. What she would be committing to was too monumental a change to make lightly. She promised herself that she'd think about it carefully before deciding. "Yes, Sir," she said. "Good girl, Lucy. Now, put your clothes on and go back home and get some sleep. You still have a job waiting for you tomorrow morning, and you don't want to be late or sleepy for it." She smiled weakly at that. She turned to the table by the door and started getting dressed. When she was finished, she touched her collar. It all made sense now. The way I would stare at the girls in highschool; I didn't want them, I wanted to BE them! I WAS them, at least inmy heart and soul. I also knew why I hid it. My father caught me dressedin my mother's clothes and he beat the hell out of me. My mother neveryelled at him and told me that it was for my own good. I am deathlyafraid of him and now I know why I hate my mother so much. I idolized heras a child and she let me down. I cried myself to sleep for the next fewnights over all of it. I kept my feeling hidden from Jessica when she wasaround. I told her that I just needed to be alone for a little while tosort things out. Winter break was the perfect time for her to go homewhile I stayed to get myself together.Over the holidays, I kept going to therapy and my initial reaction wasthat, yes I did feel like I was a woman trapped in a man's body; but Iwanted to stop feeling that way. I didn't want to hurt Jessica and Ithought I could put up with how I.
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