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I’ve…sort of fell in love with somebody else.’ My brain just shut down when I heard that. I had imagined I’d be spending the next fifty years of my life with this woman. I already had a list of possible names for our children. ‘I did an internship at a brokerage firm last semester and, well, there was a really nice guy there. Bradley. We were just friends, but we have so much in common. We get along so well. It’s like we’re mirror images of each other. He’s…well he’s my soul mate.’ Those were the words that reactivated my brain because they felt like a knife going through me. ‘I thought we were soul mates.’ ‘I did, too. But if we were, I would never be able to feel this way about Brad. I never meant to hurt you. For the longest time Brad and I were just friends, then….’ ‘You never really loved me, did you?’ ‘That’s not true! I did love you. I still do but…not nearly as much as Brad.’ That was the knife being twisted around. Maybe if she didn’t love me, it would have been easier to. The minute I leaned my full back into his chest he circled me with hisarms from behind. He folded my arms under his and held my hands,together with his, in my lap. My breathing deepened as the fearmounted, but I tried so hard to trust him again, and to be strongthrough the pain I knew I deserved. It was all I really knew how to doany more, all I wanted to do now, all I ever really needed to do. Whatelse would any girl ever want for herself? If there were other girls inthe world, and I of course knew there were, their independence and selfwill was a mystery to me, a deeply baffling mystery that I would try sohard to figure out all my life.As he nestled his face into the back of my neck and kissed me gently yetsweetly I felt myself begin to quiver slightly. "Please daddy don'thurt me." It was all I knew how to say to plead my heart to him. "Iwas wrong, very very very wrong." The admissions were pure and honest,I didn't know anything any more, my faith in myself was blown to.
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