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"My father told me that he didn't understand."Don't worry about it," I said. "I didn't understand it until now either.The thing is, we both get turned on by seeing women smoke. And I'm awoman, and you just saw me do it, and you're turned on...but what about me,Dad? Don't you see, the shoe is on the other foot now! I'm trying to getturned on by doing what I'm so used to looking for and its not the samething." I don't know if I get what you're saying, Darren. All your life, you'vewanted to smoke like a woman- like your mother. And now that you're reallydoing it, you're saying that it doesn't turn you on?" Yes and no," I said. "Its really complicated and I'm just really tryingto figure this whole thing out, so maybe I'm wrong, but it kind of makes alot of sense to me at the same time. I just don't know if I can put itinto words." This sounds important," Dad said. "Maybe you should try." Okay," I said as I tapped an ash into the ashtray. "When I was a boy, youknow...a kid, I fell in love. ‘Jump when your mother tell you anything.’ John was far more obsessed with the loss of his mother than Paul and, in point of fact, Mother was his pet name for Yoko. So if the song is a biting attack that ultimately asks ‘How do you sleep at night,’ but some of the lines sound like the singer is referring to himself, what the fuck does that mean? It makes it too close to the way I feel right now. I’m mad at other people…the gymrat, the gymrat’s husband, Bennie, Jasmine, even John Kennedy. But in each case, far too much of the anger ultimately stems from problems I have with myself. For example, I’m mad at Jasmine for forcing herself back into my life, but I can’t help turning the spotlight on myself because I’m here. Hell, I’m even letting this meeting become important to me in some strange way. Which, by the way, is not going well, either. Me dressing for this occasion was a sight that would probably make any person over the age of seventeen laugh their ass off. There I am, in front.
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