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For the same reasons I rejected spray painting various names for her on her house, writing her a nasty letter and mooning her although my younger brother thought that to be a good one.I knew though, that I had to do something. Each day was the same for me. My thoughts were focused on making her pay in some manner for what she did to me. Several times I drove by her office building, just looking to see if she were there, just hoping that maybe something would strike me as being the ideal way to get even with her. At night I couldn't sleep. I was putting all my energy into coming up with some idea and knew that until I did I would be obsessed with her. I kept hoping that maybe, just maybe, someone would slam their car into hers and rid the world forever of this woman who had wronged me.I'm not totally sure when the thought first crossed my mind. Maybe it had been hidden there all along, waiting for my desperate need for doing something to recognize it. The idea may have germinated. These are the realities that I cannot deal with. This is when words become just words and the magic that staggered me at first begins to die. We begin to die.When I was with my ex, I first noticed that he wasn’t happy by looking at old photos. Always the same fake smile, never a twinkle in his eyes. Until he eventually refused to take photos together at all. I place great importance on photographs. Little squares of paper specifically designed to make you recall memories, good or bad, like magic. I have wanted a picture with you forever. Anything. But even when I mention it, it gets denied. I blame it on lack of time but have always been fearful that it will end the same way for me. Finally getting a photo together and seeing that same unloving fake smile in your eyes as I did his.Now when I leave you, I do not cry. It's easy for me to get in my car and race away. Thinking how stupid I was for expecting anything at all from you. Blaming myself for being in the wrong mindset for the.
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