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. even five months back to change my past.”“No,” he said quietly, after which he repeated it more intensely. “We cannot go back, because who knows what other changes you’d make in that time, changes that would change this moment or make it vanish entirely. No. Forward. We can go only forward and do our best to get to some place and time that is more than simply acceptable and where we can each have as much as possible of what each of us wants that can still keep us together, because Beth Williams, I’m not letting you go again like I did in elementary school. I’m willing to share, but I want to be in your life, and I want you in mine.”I looked down into his eyes, my knees still protesting their abuse, and said, “I always knew you were smart. Okay. We’ll do it your way. We’ll go downstairs and see if you can deal with my recent past.”When we stepped into the kitchen, Rhee and Heather immediately put me in the middle of a three-girl scrum. I reveled in the love of my lovers for a minute. I thought Ewwww, yuck, no way. Two lookedok but it was the fourth that really caught my eye. He was my age, withbrown hair and brown eyes and he looked good. If I had been a real girlinstead of a fake one I would certainly have been interested in him as aboyfriend. I sent him a short message and the e-mail address and yahooaddress that I had been provided and soon afterwards we began to talk.His name was Edward. At first it was small talk and I hated having tolie to him about who I was but then it got more interesting. We hadwebcams so we could see each other. Over time we began writing storiestogether and created an imaginary world in which I could forget myproblems and where I really was.After a month or so we began kissing and cuddling and eventually itprogressed to cybersex, and I felt a little embarrassed, but I had toadmit to myself that as long as I thought of myself as a girl, it waspossible for him to turn me on. After three months I was allowed to givehim *my* phone number.
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