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Tears burn my eyes as I grieve for the lost chance to wake up next to you. I still want to hold your hand everywhere, at home, in public, during sex and while we sleep. I have so many questions that will have to remain unanswered. This loss, the slow grind of acceptance, is terrible. You fill my thoughts and my heart hurts. I wish for a different outcome. Crazy thoughts shoot through my head, bouncing off memories of you. What if I’d called sooner? I should have sent more little positive messages. I should have just asked permission to visit. If I had, you’d still be here, fighting. Then I wouldn’t have this huge ache inside. I recognize these thoughts as foolish, and I brush them aside. I focus on better, positive thoughts. On healthier imaginings. The other part of me is happy you no longer suffer. I couldn’t stand to hear you talk about the pain. It made me feel helpless, the simple words I had to offer seeming insignificant and paltry. The ache is eased simply knowing your. Ye sab unexpected tha aur itna jaldi ki mein sambhal hi nahi paaya.Kanika ke kandho tak laharaate baal ab mere chehre par the aur uske lips mere lips ko chhoo rahe the, main sochne samajhne ko lagaam laga kar uske raseele lips choomne laga tha aur kanika bhi baraabar mera saath de rahi thi. Vo mujhse lipat gyi aur uske tane hue chooche mujhe mahsoos hone lage the jinhen ab maine halke haath se masalna shuroo kar diya tha, kanika ne mere hothon ko choomna jaari rakha aur is kadar chooma ki honth to honth meri thodi bhi uske thook se geeli ho gai thi. Maine use palta diya apna muh pauchha aur uska top utaar diya. Meine notice kiya ki usne bra nhi pehni thi ! Uskee bhare hue saanvle choochoo ko choosane laga, mujhe uske chuche itne achhe lag rahe the ki unke aage mein sab bhool hi gaya tha.Kanika ne mere land ko jeans ke oopar se hi sahlaana shuroo kiya aur use mere lund ka size bahaar se pata lag gaya to vo boli “hmmm iske saath kaafi maza aaega” maine hanskar bola “to le lo maza.
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