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Her eyes passed over the suit I wore, lingering on places that were no longer familiar. “My name is Annelle,” I said. “But inside I have always been an Andrew.” “Oh,” she said, an exhalation, a realization. “I…” What could I say? Here was the woman I had loved, still loved, and I was telling her that I wasn’t the woman she had been loving all along. “All those nights you said you were busy or tired?” she asked. “I was out, dressed like this, trying to convince the world – and myself – that I could be this,” I replied. “And those clothes I saw in your closet?” “Mine… I lied when I said they were my dads, that I was keeping them as mementos after he had died.” Her eyes were wide, so wide, but she was still here! Still with me. “I have a confession,” she said, and there was a trace of uncertainty in her voice. Her hands tightened around mine. My heart dropped six feet below the floor, but I was confused. If she was going to say what I thought she was going to say, why was she. I completed an online questionnaire about my life, my background, my sexual history, my partners, what I had experienced, how I felt about these things etc. Then I went for a meeting with Mark at Paradise head office, and present also was Elizabeth Sean, co-founder of Paradise. I discovered that Elizabeth was very experienced arranging these things so was glad to have her onboard. It felt very very good to explain in intimate detail to this older couple that I had always dreamed of being killed, and to outline the exact details to them as they recorded the interview on camera. I found myself looking directly into the lens at times, knowing that others would take pleasure watching this confession. I felt extremely comfortable with Mark and Elizabeth, and when Elizabeth asked if I'd feel more relaxed naked, I agreed and stripped off immediately. As soon as my clothes were off, it felt so right to be there with them, naked and exposed, describing my yearning to be killed and I soon.
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